my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
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The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
British websites use biscuits.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.