a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
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*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
#SCOTUS one-star review
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever