They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
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Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.