It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
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Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST