Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
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[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?