Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
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Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out