Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
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First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
still the best tweet of the year by far
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT