the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
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*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
next question.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf