They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
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Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
#Thanos #MondayMood
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.