*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
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Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?