Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
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I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*