No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
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As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
WHY?!
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝