Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
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Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to