wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
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HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.