coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
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People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Did I do this right
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie