NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
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[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
reduce, reuse, recycle
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Good news
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.