In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
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Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone