Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
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You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Bless you
I鈥檇 never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I鈥檇 ask random strangers to set me on fire
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 馃挄
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.