hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
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Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.