My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
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<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
🤣
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
did it work
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance