ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
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[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.