Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
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mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.