*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
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The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
umm…
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man