Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
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how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Life hack
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.