Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
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When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side