I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
You Might Also Like
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Haha! 😂
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.