Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
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I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Last-minute gift idea!
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked