People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
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“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.