Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
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*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole