Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
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[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs