(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
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3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
A drum solo but on your face.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel