One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
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Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Said the murderer.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Food gives you energy to nap more.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig