me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
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Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.