This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
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If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha