(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
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no regrets
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
what kind of cook setting is this??
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.