Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
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Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
boat question
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
I’m tired tomorrow.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
where do you see yourself in five years?
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.