Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
You Might Also Like
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
I can’t stop laughing at this
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn