I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
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Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
I think they could have phrased this better
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
#TopTip