me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
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I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
my first dose meeting my second
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama