My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
You Might Also Like
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
I don’t get marriage
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
What is going on? 😅
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore