The Others (2001)
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No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing