6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
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BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…