Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
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I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
.. do you even science?
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man