what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
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Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
I feel attacked.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.