I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
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*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever