I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
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Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
How do you milk an almond?
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.