Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
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I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Me in tagged photos
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*