Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
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scenes of unspeakable carnage
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.