Skills
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[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow