Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
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it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*